Longing

what is longing? that incurable ache of the soul of which there seems to be no end.

yes, some people like this feeling, and upon hearing the words, “i miss you”, they escalate into a mode of happiness and sheer bliss. well, maybe not all the way, because, its like a double edged sword, it’s just another reminder that you’re far away from each other and not together. ive been meaning to write this out for some time, but i havent until now cuz im really really trying to procrastinate on my hw and this seemed like the perfect time.

well, my definition of longing, of missing, of wanting to hold on to so much more than just this feeling, its truly a sad and trying defintion. it just seems to me that longing is sadness because there is a reason that we’re apart, i mean, one of the other could take the blame for this, but you know, if two people live far away from each other, wouldnt the person who moved far away feel kind of responsible, like, “oh, im the one who put this distance between us. im the one who made the conscious descision to leave though, i could have very well have stayed in a perfectly fine city, in a city where you are.” i mean, its just, very trying to deal with that. im happy when you say you miss me, but you know, sometimes i cant respond and you know that, and even when you do say it, i feel bad for making you miss me, because, you wouldnt have to if i hadnt left! i mean, i miss you too, i really really miss you. its been a hard time, a hard week and we’ve just got to deal, but its still so hard to try not lose hope and keep the faith and not drive yourself crazy all at the same time.

theres a limit to human tolerance and i dont even want to approach or find out what it is. insha’Allah, Allah will make this easy on us. be easy on the lovers. ya Allah, give us guidance and purify our souls and give our hearts ease, ya Allah, ameen.

Love

What is love? [yes, another post on love]. one subject that will remain mysterious to all of humankind for eternity. that unsolvable puzzle, that feeling, that mindset, that emotion. words can only describe it, but how much do words really weigh? what is it about love that makes it so irresistible, so mysterious, so unforgiving, so eye-opening, so inescapable? how many different types of love are there? how many different levels? are they all ‘love?’

i think the first type of love that i will address here is the love for Allah swt, the Creator, God. what enables us, as Muslims, to continually seek the favor of our Lord each day? what makes us feel that duty towards Allah? is it love that we have been instilled with or love that we have developed? is it love at all? i would like to believe that it is so. i would like to believe that i love Allah because He has created me and i know it is my duty as His servant to be ever grateful and to be thankful and do what He asks obediently.  i try to do this and alhamdullilah, i feel content, but there is always room for improvement in our relationships with Allah. as our iman grows, the bond strengthens and taqwa, the consciousness, that feeling that He is there, that fear of what might happen if we disobey, that feeling of thankfulness, of gratitude, and that love of His for us, His creation, His mercy, rahma. alhamdullilah. all praise is due to Allah.

and Allah has told us to love His most wonderful creation, the Prophet Muhammad (S) and we strive to do so by learning about him, his qualities, his character, even his physical appearance. we strive to be like him and imitate his habits, and follow his teachings. may Allah increase the love i have for Him and His servant, ameen.

now, what i want to address is this love that i have for my special someone, he who holds a special place in my heart, the one i love. i dont exactly know what it is. theres not many words to describe what i feel for him. there is as certain feeling that i feel but i cant really put a name to it. i cant muster up an exact phrase that can describe exactly how i feel. there can be many words to describe it, but, i just want to sum it all up. i have fallen in love with a man.  i have come to know and learn all about him. i have come to accept him as the person i want to be with for the rest of my life. i have come to terms with myself to give up the chance  of ever getting to know this much about another person. i have promised myself to him, though i shouldnt, because nothing is for sure yet. i have listened to this man for a long time now, i have had him pour his heart out to me, numerous times. he’s told me his weakest points, hes talked to me during some of those weak points, ive given him advice, he’s given me advice. ive listened to him whine and be all ADD over the place. ive listened to him talk and be intelligent and be amazing and be stupid. ive seen him work, ive seen him be dedicated, ive seen him get the job done. ive accepted or am accepting his shortcomings, though  i have much yet to learn, i have come to know more about him. ive even come to things i dont like and may not like about him, but ive learned that hopefully, insha’Allah, i can cope with them. ive learned all about him, without trying to give too much of myself away. ive tried holding myself back, but sometimes, i cant always censor myself. ive made him blush. he’s made me blush numerous times and i cant ever get him back for it unless… yeah, never mind. insha’Allah, one day. ive come to terms with myself that not all humans are perfect. certainly we all have our flaws, and this goes to myself before anyone else. i have to learn to accept myself to be confident and move forward. and though there will always be times when im down, i know that he will insha’Allah, be there with me, to help me up, to be my pillar of strength, as i can try to be for him. i know theres nothing comparable to a mother’s love. i know that living with a woman will take some time to get used to. see, there are firsts for both of us. ive never lived with a man besides my father and he’s never lived with a woman besides his mother. subhanAllah, there are so many ways in which we complement each other that i dont think i could give enough thanks to Allah, but i will try insha’Allah.

i have come to terms that one day we we’ll live together and that i have to prepare myself. i have to be better looking, if i want him to like me or parts of me, i have to like those parts of myself first. i know ill have to come clean about things because i would never want to keep anything from him, and it may be impossible that i could because usually my expressions are seen on my face and i cant control them. sometimes, i just have to let myself go, and i know he can be a good listener. ive come to terms that ill be sleeping next to him everyday for the rest of my life. ive come to terms that we will be doing much more than sleeping. ive come to terms that we are going to have to one day fulfill our islamic duties and eventually have children. and ive come to accept that he wants children, as do i, and that he wants a daughter. or multiple daughters. i have come to a realization that i may be a stay at home mom. ive come to a realization that i may never have the chance to get a masters degree. and recently, ive come to ask myself if that really matters. and ive come to question my major. is it useless? should i change to something more practical?

in all these realizations, ive come to question myself and where im headed. because this is the most life changing thing thats happened to me. this love, an amazing type of love. a love that has grown within me, stemmed from something not so sacred. a love, starting out on a shaky path and gradually becoming stronger, rooted in the ground, constant, growing. insha’Allah. a love, not of physical attraction, but of intellectual attraction. an intelllectual love. is it possible? is it real? can it be? how many types of love are there? im sure the physical attraction part will come later, because for some reason, i always fall in love with the average guy, but in my eyes, he has an amazing sort of beauty that may only appeal to me. i mean, when you love a person, they seem all the more special. they may not be up to society’s standards of perfect beauty, but, you know, theres more to liking a person than that. like, i think the first thing that ill have to get used to is actually seeing him. because all we can do right now is talk on the internet or talk on the phone and thats how its been for a while. i dont think im embarrassed around him or ashamed, i feel like i can be myself in front of him. i think a thing ill have to get used to is expressing my emotions in front of him, and actually talking face to face, i mean, we dont do that. i dont even look at pictures of him, simply because i dont like pictures. but, for some reason, in a picture, i saw his hands. and i like his hands, theyre mysterious and sort of have an aspect of beauty and they look warm and big. i dont know, for some reason, i just like his hands, but once again, thats just a picture. and im just weird…hehe. ok. yeah, that was weird. but really, in all openness and truth, i think ill like his hands. its like in those cute lil high school animes where when the 2 people get together, they hold hands for the first time and its beautiful. simply beautiful. i mean, alhamdullilah, im a muslimah, and sometimes, when you cant have something, you appreciate it all the more. like, ive never held a hand of a guy i liked, like, just walking around, having a hand to hold, an arm to touch, someone to just reach over and bop you on the head or stroke your cheek. i mean, those simple, simple things, i want to cherish them. subhanallah. just those little ‘tokens’ of love. they just appeal to me so much. hehee

it is a special feeling , a unique feeling, i believe, and differs from person to person. im sure for some people, it would be possible to love more than one person at a time, equally, just because they are loved for different reasons.

like, i think i also have a special reserved love for women. i love many women, my friends, my sisters. but it is more than a like, it is a love, and truly, i hope it is for the sake of Allah. i love them for the sake of Allah, insha’Allah.

and i want to love him for the sake of Allah. may He make us for each other a means to attain jannah, insha’Allah.

ill finish this up later. and i want sur to post up in the sis sec, “a very unique situation.” for some reason, i wanna see what people think.

Bread & Water

bread is the stuff of life. water is the essence of life.

ever since time began, these two substances have been the food and drink of countless, nameless, timeless people. all over the world, people have lived, and thrived even, on just these two alone. they have been the friend to the poor, the comrade to the sick, the backup for the wealthy. these, really and truly, bring about life. for about 24 hours now, ive been living off of bread and water (and quaker oats rice snacks) and its been…interesting. it wasnt on purpose that this actually happened, but it was by far, just a happening, an accident, if you may. yesterday, i left for school, and the only meal i had had that day was half a chicken salad sandwich. so, in the car, i desired to continue eating my sandwich and finished it off rather quickly on the trip. so, i get here, im a bit tired after lugging all of my junk up the stairs. luckily, that same morning, my sister and i went to this amazing store, h&h, and bought loaves of bread, one for each of us. she bought honey wheat and i bought apple and pecan. both are made of wheat, and completely delicious! so, after i had settled in and called my folks, i was a little hungry. i cross the street to go to one of the markets on campus, but to my complete surprise, it was closed. i was very disappointed. i began to notice that i actually was hungry. not to mention that on the phone, my dad had told me to eat something, and im like, yeah, sure. so, since the market was closed and the cafeteria was closed, i visited a friend who lived in that building, sat and talked for a bit, and came back to my lonely room. it was quite lonely. depressing a bit, too. so, i opened up the bread, and it just smelled great. it was cut in this really cool-looking cutting machine. man, that place is awesome. so, i tasted it, and of course, it turned out to be delicious. i ate a couple of slices and drank some water, and to my surprise, my stomach stopped complaining. i was content. alhamdullilah. but it really amazed me. i mean, i like bread, i do, i love the taste, the texture, and now i notice, that theres so much more. i mean, i ate about 2 and a half slices of this circular loaf of bread thats not even that big, and im satisfied though i havent eaten for hours! and the water did the trick, if there was any space left, it was filled up with h2o. wonderful. alhamdullilah.

so, im waiting around for my roomie, but she doesnt show. so i watch firefly for a bit and proceed to explore random places on the internet, and she still doesnt show. during firefly, i opened up the quacker oat snacks and drank some more water. those things also kept me content. oh, and then i had the lollipop i was saving for him, though i didnt have the chance to give it to him, so, i decided to have it as my lil dessert. yay. she didnt come, so i basically did nothing and went to sleep.

so, i woke up this morning kinda after she came in and we were gonna go see the apartments together but she had to go to the orthodontist and then her and her dad went to see them. so, i was just bored and hungry here. while i was waiting, i debated over going to see if the market or cafeteria were open so i texted the friend that lived over there. she didnt reply, so i just went. i got there and they were still closed. like. grrrr. dangittt! haha, i was kinda hungry, so i ate 2 slices of bread in the morning, but yeah. it filled me up. i think i ate another one after that. but yeah, it just made me realize again, how amazing bread is! yay, bread is so awsome. i love bread.

yeah, so, i realized a while ago that i eat, even if im not hungry when i get mad or worried, maybe. like, i can eat a whole meal, and if im still in the kitchen and people start arguing, ill just eat some more. i mean, its ridiculous, like, the feeling of fullness doesnt exist anymore and ill just eat again! its pretty bad. when im mad, i have to stay away from food. i should just drink water. well, today, i got mad when she told me they went to go see the apartments without me so i ate some more quaker snacks. now im just waiting for the cafeteria to open. i think itll open at 4:30 or 5. or the market will open. if one of em opens, im just gonna run over there. i have to buy tissue anyway. well, alhamdullilah, i have bread, and alhamdullilah i have water. thank you Allah for this sustenance because i really dont know what i would if i didnt have those things. id probably be running around campus like a wolf, hehe, or fasting. preferably fasting though. well, alhamdullilah.

Floetry

warm, hot passion
burning. striking
awakening. feeling
hot. fire.
feel the heat
warming you
feel the glow surrounding you
like these coals that commit to the fire
so this love burns
with passion glowing alight
but sometimes
the flames flicker
it gets dim and dimmer
till the flames finally go out
sparks are all thats left
but the coals glow
they glow hot flaming yellow white
to orange
red
black
and out
hiss
the smoke is free
there was once such passion
revival
come back
blow and blow
and it rekindles again
how long will this last?
how much longer must we suffer
hardships such as these
longing for each other
but never coming to terms
nothing
no touch
i cant feel you
not here beside me
there is no root for this love
only emotion
true? free
reality?
we were once at the zenith of such passion
the flame burning bright
as we talked and wondered and planned out the future
and as time goes by
the flame slowly shrinks
smaller and smaller until it reaches nothing
but the coals,
will they still glow?
waiting to be rekindled again
waiting, just
waiting

Flitting

haha, im like, flitting. like a butterfly, from flower to flower. a depressing song just came on. its makin me feel bad about myself, mad at myself, and then feeling mad that i pity myself. how shallow. i dont wanna be like this anymore. its stupid. itll feel like im not real. no substance. no essence. im not a beautiful butterfly. im just a plain old moth. nothing special. cuz if im like this on the inside, then how could i be a wonderful person?

and once again, for another day, the mask shall take over. the mask shall live again.

ps. i need some happy music. like. on the double.

Emotion

What is emotion? Is it sadness? Happiness? Feelings? What are all of these things? Are they ever really tangible? Are they in the head? or in the “heart”? Are they truth or lies? Can they be made up? Is real or is everything just what the mind tells you to feel?

What are sadness and pain? What are the true meanings behind these emotions? Why do we have them? Why must we feel such anger and sadness when we, ourselves can learn to control our emotions? What if we became an emotionless race? A human being with no feelings that crossed the eyes and face? A human being with nothing on the inside – empty. Blank. Nothingness.

If we didn’t feel, would we be nothing at all? Would we still be people? What classifies us to be a feeling being? Is it those feelings that we ‘feel’? How do we explain those emotions? They’re like clouds, swirling about inside of us, but we can’t touch them, they, in an essence, have no substance, they can’t be touched, or manly made or controlled. They are the storm inside the mind, they are the clouds that block the horizon, they are the brink of humanity.

Why? Why feel pain of hardship or friendship or love, or whatever it is that we feel, when we can allow ourselves to run cold? Why should we let such matters affect us? Why should we allow our inner feelings to cloud our judgement? Why? We don’t really have to care what others say, and some people are like that, but not to the extent that they don’t really heed anything that anyone says; they still will listen to their friends, and if they refuse to have any, they listen to their families, but maybe listen is not the right word, maybe it’s that they allow themselves to hear, to hear out what others say, but only some selective others, some, so few, so few that no one even knows that they do talk to some people. And if they refuse to hear at all, they will hear, still, a voice that tells them, criticizes them, advises them; it’s that voice inside of themselves, made up of many other voices, but unbeknownst to them, they do not know, they just think it’s their conscience, and in a way it is, it’s just that one they need to hear.

In truth, nothing has happened to me, at least nothing to prompt me to write this, but all of my life, I’ve felt compared to others, kind of put down, but not really, maybe let down. I thought I was the only not-special one in my family – everyone had their own thing, their special ability, their own unique and amazing ways of doing things – but I didn’t. I didn’t have anything, and so I felt bad about myself. But see, there was something that I didn’t do to have that something; I didn’t try to create my own thing,  I wanted it to come naturally, magically. Everyone seemed so gifted naturally and I wanted to be like that, too, but I guess I was looking in the wrong direction. I had my thoughts, words, mind, art, a little bit of everything, and even though it wasn’t concentrated all in one spectacular thing, it was, in essence, a bit of everything. Almost everything that made my heart sings, my voice come out loud, my hands to shape, to create, to visualize, but not to especially work on a certain something, but to encompass all of those things, somehow, some way.

I love science. I love writing. I love literature. I love art. I love singing. I love language. I love calculus. I love history. I love mythology. I love colors. I love animals. I love paint. I love my car. I love my school. I love roller blading. I love sports. I love to stare at the sky randomly and take picture of it while driving.

All in all, I feel like I’m just one of those puzzling people, those people, whose lives seem like a puzzle, a work of art, not neccessarily a masterpiece, but, certainly, a work of art. A paint splatter of multicolors, a song with many chords, a dazzling diamond whose edges reflect every single different piece of me. And as I type, I sawy back and forth like I’m playing the piano, but see, I’m music illiterate, I can’t read notes, but I wish I knew how, and I know I’m missing out on a giant part of a happier type of life, but I can make up for it with my ears, even though it’s not the same, I can learn by ear and by picture. The sounds form images in my mind. I can imitate a violin. Some sounds sound like circles, and others like lines, some are straight, some look like curves, and some look like water, or sound like birds.

It’s all just a part of my wonderful world, the world of the mind, the deep, vast, and encomapssing thoughts that are able to come from the human brain. It is truly amazing. Something that is so vast and unimaginable, who but the Greatest could have created it all, something that we don’t understand, and can never hope to truly understand – the human.

Praise be to the Creator of the universe, He in Whose hands lie my life.

Satisfaction

What is satisfaction?

It’s that feeling that overtakes you as you silently and hurriedly finish up your work. Your long and hard toiling has finally come to an end, a happily satisfying end.

Haha, if anyone guessed it, yeah, I was talking about homework. I basically finished my ast homework with much help from my TA because it was hard to understand. Even though,  I do feel quite satisfied with myself and with my work. Learning is a process, its like walking, you start out slow, get used to it, pick up speed and do lots of other things. Learning’s the same way, and right now, I’m still at the beginning with this subject, but I really do feel like I enjoy it and I want to keep doing what im doing and learning what I’m learning and more!

Who knows if I’ll keep going with this, but right now, all I want to do is take it and run with it and see how far I can get to. My dreams might change or stay the same, but it all depends on how fast I want to go and how ready and able I am to take things on that come at me. I think if I put my mind to it, and put my heart and soul into it, I can accomplish anything that tries to slow me down. I don’t want to change right now, at least for the worse, I want to keep getting better, progressing. Cuz, it’s not right to start off and then go backwards, you just have to keep moving forward.

Anger

What is anger?

That burning fire deep within the mind and heart, totally and completely entranced and focused on the one standing before you. It’s like fire engulfing paper, never-ending, leaving only trails of smoke and ash behind. Fed by the fury that’s churning within, anger overtakes the senses and creates actions not accounted for by the sane mind, and yields regret, amongst other things, but regret is the one most worth mentioning. Anger, fury, rage, animosity – all are feelings somehow indescribable and describable, but only by words of hate and annoyance. Where does it come from? Do its roots lie in annoyance? Jealousy? Greed? Are all these things purely human nature?

Yes, I do believe so. Anger, though some describe it as evil, is a purely human reaction to surroundings. I believe it can come from annoyance or jealousy or even greed, but above all, I believe it stems from suppression of expression. The need to truly be and is. The type of feelings that pressure us to conform, to change, to yield on all sides. Trapped like a caged animal – blood running cold, veins: metallic. No feelings, a hard heart of stone. No penetration of warmth or light. Is that anger? Truly? Who knows? Only God, who knows his creation better than we know ourselves.

Truly, the strong are those, not who are physically strong, but are those who can control themselves while they are angry.

Haha, yes, I did write this because I became angry today, but I didn’t write this in a state of anger.  I think I write this in a state of reflection, a type of logic or thinking. I made a new category – Vidasophy, not like philosophy, but like, you know, discovering of myself and life, and just basically, to explore my feelings in random niches of life, I guess. I don’t know. ah well, I’m happy now.