barely breathin. Lifehouse’s “Broken”. its an awesome song, great tune, very comforting. yep, thats how it seems to be. well, just like the title of this post, a couple of things in life really seem to be falling apart. but i guess they all stem from the same root. my dad is having problems with her and now theyre in cali and we cant even see our baby bro. so, marital problems. alhamdullilah, dad’s talking to me a lot, but im really learning the gravity of the situation. sometimes i cant sleep at night and now my body’s hurting and stuff (but that could just be from all the swimming). but, i dunno, i just pray that things will get resolved, peacefully, that there wont be too much pain involved, but thats rarely the case. theres always pain, not physical, but emotional and psychological pain. it just hurts. if i do sleep, i wake up often, and when i am sleeping, i have dreams that basically, in a word, disturb me, and, i dont know, i just cant control any of it.
i think we’re kind of learning to live this way, but when the baby comes back, we’ve got to turn over some new leaves, not just one, but many. i asked dad if i should come to school back here. i mean, subhanAllah, we dont know what this will come to. i dont want things come crashing down, but we have to resolve this. dad asked sheikh m. for advice and i think thats a good thing, but there are other people who are marriage counselors. misunderstandings, miscommunication, perception, interpretation: theyre all things we need to work on. just talk it out, dont duke it out. la hawla wa la quwatta illa Billah.
a peaceful resolution. insha’Allah. im trying to hope but it seems implausible.
when im not thinking about our empty house, im at school. i come home, eat, sleep. get up, make some food maybe or heat it up for when dad gets home. we eat and pray and then i do my homework. i dont see my sister. barely. she goes to work, stays at school and comes home around 12. i havent seen her for 2 days so far. it kinda sucks. usually on thursday nights i see her. haha, maybe i should peek into her room in the mornings so i can at least get a glance of her.
if i hang out, its with friends, or acquaintances, like the pool party yesterday, and if i talk, i talk to him. he helps because i can vent to him, but we try to only really talk on the weekends. we broke that rule yesterday. but i needed to let off some steam. but see, the problem is, i cant tell him this. i just cant. i cant even write the word on here. it just seems wrong. i cant do it, its too much.
today, when dad didnt come home until 7, i went through a minor panic because he usally comes home at 5:30 or 6, so my mind basically just rushed to worst case scenarios. i teared up. i called him, but he didnt answer. i, i dunno. i texted him, and thank God, he replied. i was so happy, alhamdullilah. i didnt want things to get worse, or change even more. but windows and doors open when you least expect them to, but i dont want to lose anything else i have right now. im trying to keep it together. i need to make a plan, i need stuff. i dont know what i need. or are they just wants? Allahu ‘alam.
i guess ill just keep waiting, until something happens. ill wait for them to come back, for the situation to be resolved. ill wait for him and for his family to come back. ill wait for shushu to come back (though i dunno if thatll have any significance), ill wait until school’s over, ill wait to see him again. ill wait to be near him again. ill wait. ill try to wait. ya Allah, please grant me sabr and grant my family sabr and grant us all sabr. forgive us and guide us, ya Allah, ameen.
we’ll try to piece this all back together. hopefully it will come back in its true shape. we wont dwell too long on the memories of good times past, but hope for a good, not even a good, but an alright future. insha’Allah, because God works in mysterious ways (at least to us).
theyre such a good group. like, amazing voices mA. wow. 
