The Bucket List

I put stuff on my bucket list today!! im so happy! yayy! hehe, i dunno if i should share. but, it’s in the docs hmm, now, if only i can get around to doing them. Insha’Allah the stuff on there kinda makes me happy.

Portfolio

Im trying to build a portfolio, but i really need to work on my artwork some more. i dunno. i need to, i guess, professionalize my work. alhamdullilah, i found that i indeed have AI. well, so far, there are 30 things in the portfolio, but most of them are fliers, and im probably going to take most of those out because theyre more manipulative than creative. insha’Allah, itll be good soon. just need to finalize some designs for some cards and logos. well, design some logos. gotta think of something. ya Allah, please make this easy, ameen.

oh yeaahhh!

lol, i forgot to add this to the post before this, maybe, i dont even know, but, i cant wait til tomorrow cuz then i can talk to you cuz ure supposed to talk to my dad. eek. wow. how fun. alrite, insha’Allah, thatll be one thing ill look forward to. yay alhamdullilah

Insomnia

yep, ive been staying up late for absolutely no good reason. i watch tv, talk with my sister, read, surf the net, do absolutely nothing except waste time, oh, and make a flier here and there. ive been up to nothing. basically. ive answered questions, listened to lectures, heard your voice, and waited and waited to hear it again. ive taken and planned, checked and balanced, timed and gone. eaten and fasted, slept and awakened, shifted and lasted, restless in my consciousness. it seems that theres nowhere to turn, no duty to fill, no friend to confide in, no seriousness, no complete, deadly seriousness. ive seen the news, it hit me hard, all there is is blood and gore and people crying and children dying and here i am, unable to help, maybe even unwilling in my sloth. it seems as though ive died temporarily. my life, strung out on a line, seems a bit empty with all the excitement. with no more simple pleasures. going to school, studying, and all that. really, it really does seem a bit emptier. and day by day, with not much to look forward to, i, too, slowly wither away. my substance and being, once a full glass, now dribbles down to half empty, ever pouring the substance within. sometimes im rejuvenated, sometimes im pumped, sometimes i have the energy to go on, to eat, to shop, to exercise, and sometimes, i just have nothing. it seems like theres nothing there.

but i can still write. i think ive fallen out of the habit, and i dont want to. i want to write, at least, to keep myself in check, to keep a little part of me alive and breathing, warm, beating. i want there to be something left, even though there might not be much, i still want to keep this little imprint of myself somewhere, out there, just in case im physically gone, therell still be traces and truths. well, a couple of days ago, i think it was monday, i finished up the lecture, spicy questions, bold answers. it was a good lecture. everything made sense, everything seemed applicable, but still, as i was listening and taking notes for my own situations, i did notice that there was something drastically different about my own sit. it seems like its the complete opposite of the typical ‘desi?’ norm. but i dont know that for sure. i mean, im sure this has happened to other people, i just dont know any. well, haha, that lecture inspired me to write a letter (which i never did) to the sh. to ask him a couple of guidelines and to ask for some advice. i mean, seriously, we would need it. im just wondering if he would laugh. haha, i would. hearing this kind of situation, i think i would.

i really do want to ask a shaykh questions though. i was thinking, my normal shaykh, eh, maybe not. maybe someone younger. someone of a different culture. then theres the n. mosque shaykh, but hes not married! plus, he and the sh. are good friends. and finally, i do want to ask this sh. but he lives somewhere far away and it seems like theres no contact email or anything. i dont know where to start. oh wait, maybe i do. i can ask ms. n or even him. wow. k. better. yep.

alrite, im officially tired. busy week. sh’s house tmrw, ice skating thurs, fam nite fri, sat? karaoke sun, fufu mon. hehe. i really am booked. ah well, ill try to have saturday to myself.

oh, finished reading a manga called alice 19th. pretty good. though you could tell it was yuu watase, cuz someone close to the main character always turns evil. oh, and the guys. theyre to pretty for their own good. lol.

ah, i fasted today, and iA, i will tomorrow for ashoora. insha’Allah, these fasts will be accepted.

[i had more to say, but i cant remember what it was. ah well. tmrw iA]

oh yeah. went shopping today with sis. it was fun. yayy. bought lots of pretty clothes, alhamdullilah. during the past week, ive watched lots of movies, in theaters and out. slumdog millionaire, benjamin button, marley & me, eagle eye, my sassy girl (american remake), and hehe, the house bunny. funny. ok. sleeping. now.

Stuck in the Middle (Pt. IV)

im just continuing these posts cuz i need to catch up with life. i think friday will be the hardest to write, especially since im not even in the mood to write. geehh. just need to get it down before i forget everything. alrite. oh. i dont even think ill elaborate on saturday and sunday too much. especially sunday. maybe. [edit: moved something from part III to here cuz i put it in the wrong place. geh.]

day 3 (fri. dec. 26): the plan in motion. parents. jumah. nervousness. anxiety. nausea. fear. meeting. the unresolution. sadness but relief of some kind. and sadness. and the then, the pause button. working together on the show. hiding from friends. smiling like a fool. watching you.

alrite. after some massive loss of sleep, i get up and start to get to work cuz we have to start at 9:30 that morning. he had called earlier and told me he was gonna call my dad and also his, later, to get them both to come. alrite, so the youth program started. im wearing my eid outfit, cept with my comfy shoes. which i wore almost the whole weekend. hehe. i dunno. when i was picking out my outfits and the plan was set before tuesday, i had planned on wearing this to meet his mom. and the plan ended. but i still brought the outfit. and decided to wear it friday, and subhanallah, it was still the day i got to meet his mom. hehe. i find that funny and coincidental. yay. alrite. so, audio room and youth program. tryin to do both. ah, i thought at the time, the kids liked me, but  i guess, over time, my mood just got worse. like on saturday. today was ok. the program started and the program diretor came to speak and we were passing out stuff and he called. he called and said he got my dad to come and his dad was coming too. yay. but yeah. the kid. in the youth program. on the guys side:

alrite. i get a call from the audio team but i forget to call back, and when i do, i tell them ill be coming in about 15 minutes. its almost the next let out time, so im like, yeah ill come cuz we needed to make some labels, but i walk out and theres a kid from the guy’s side who’s head looks like its been profusely bleeding for a long time. streaks running down his face and it running down his shirt. the guy volunteer i had worked with last year on the food team was holding this kid’s head with an ice pack or a napkin or something. theres a whole bunch of volunteers now crowding around him who dont know what to do. all the guys come up and around and then some kids come out and i yell at them to go back inside. so i come up and take a look at this kids, who has tears on his face but not anymore in his eyes. he’s not saying anything as this blood streaks down the side of his face and i look at the cut, which is about as long as the top of my index finger and about as thick as half of my pinky. amazing. subhanallah. i think i was a bit in shock at the blood, but we needed to do something! so, we head towards the boys bathroom, and i have to go in because we dont know what we’re doing. there was a guy using the bathroom so i couldnt go in though abdul q told me to come. i waited. and lo and behold, out comes the head coord. haha. and he just stops and stares and asks questions as we get this kid into the bathroom and start wiping him up. so now im in the boys bathroom, but another girl comes with a ginormous first aid kit bag. subhanallah. the kid’s nametag is all bloodied and they try to get into contact with his parents. they dont answer for a while. i dont know what im doing. im running around trying to figure out what to do and while we’re cleaning up the blood thats falling all around, i tell abdul to hold the cut closed and to keep pressing on it. the other girl volunteer, i dont know if she knew what she was doing, but she was like, you have to do this, etc. and im like, sure. then all these guys come in looking and i just had to leave. ugh. i dont know. that was the beginning of my not so pleasant mood. first im thinking about how idiotic the volunteers are, and then the kid for having run into a chair or whatever it is that he did fall on. then, i hear that all 4 on site doctors are not answering their cell phones so we have nothing. i couldnt stand it. disorganization, how unprepared we apparently were. i mean, if someone was at least a medical student, i think we could have made better progress. subhanallah. it was so amazingly stupid. so, we put him on a chair somewhere. his mom shows up. and im still stupefied at how amazing this child is. no complaints, subhanallah, may Allah bless him and give him ease. he didnt make a sound except when we asked him questions. he was a good kid. masha’Allah. so, i went off to go get him a shirt because my mood slightly worsened as these ppl ran around like headless chickens. there were no ansaar in the boys side of the room so i had to go back and ask someone to go. goodness. got the shirt. yelled at the boys for a bit and came to the boy. the mom was frantic, i was just standing there. they told her to go to a clinic, not a hospital. she couldnt get a hold of her husband, so the volunteers are like, one of us can take you, etc. oh, a sister can take you. it was christmas. who would be open? dad wasnt answering. mom was freaking out a bit and had all her other kids searching the halls and lecture rooms. wow. it was fun. so, they had the shirt and a bag full of other tdc things, etc and it seemed cool. the kid had gotten some treatment, like those weird bandages and one of the guys seemed to actually know what he was doing. they had an icepack to his head, and alhamdullilah, it seemed better. i respect that kid for this. still not a peep, though it could have been out of pain.

my next annoyance came from the fact that these volunteers didnt know where the nearest clinic was and had no contact or ways of finding out other than this weird lil machine thingy. i dont even know. the dad finally came, kinda pissed, but sad, relieved. subhanallah, he had a lot of patience alhamdullilah. explanation. etc. resolution. program head went with them to the clinic. gave the sister a big hug and told her it would be alright, and she hugged me. sad. worried. relieved. alhamdullilah. i dont know what happened to the boy after that, but i pray that he was ok, and he seemed like a good and patient kid, alhamdullilah.

alrite. so, its almost jumah time. well, it is i think. and so we go down after cleaning up the room. i think. and i tell my coord that i cant come up after cuz i have to do something, and she said that was ok. yah. so, i go freshen up. get my good shoes. however, im in a horribly anxious crappy mood. i think i was still in shock after that kid’s acciedent, but, i dont know. i was feeling weird. hoping there was no blood from his wound on my clothes. trying to look better. noticing that i actually looked kinda huge in my clothes. oh well. nothing to hide. cept im not that big. hehe. watever. so, jumah comes and goes. gehh. wished i coulda prayed a whole bunch of sunnah and stuff, but ah. went for a lil stroll to calm myself. dint really work out. jumah ended. i was done fixing myself. it wouldnt get any better anyway. so. my dad found me somehow. he called and told me they were on the other side. at a table at the food court. haha. wow. we were meeting in the food court. the most public place at the convention. i was so nervous. nauseous. ugh. didnt feel good. i was like, i dont want to go, and my dad’s like, ok. haha. yeah. no. but ah, we walked toward their table. he was standing up and waving like an idiot until i gave him a wth kind of look. fun. yeah, so, since they picked the table, it was conventiently placed between the volunteer food table, and a table filled with kids from my old school. wonderful.

and so, we met. his dad wasnt there yet, so my dad just sat and waited after shaking his hand. i hugged his mom. and later, i would say, i think she learned more about me from the hug that we had. when i hugged her, i hugged her and then i buried my face in her a bit, out of embarrassment and shyness. ehehe, during the hug, she told me i was a nice girl. hehe. we sat down. she offered us some food. but we werent really hungry. god. it was so embarrassing, i dont even want to remember. wow. alrite, ill do it anyway. or just skim over the memories.  k, so we were just sitting there for a bit. i was so nervous. my hands kept moving. wow. wow. i dont even know. so, his dad came and they met and they were kinda like, oh ive seen you before type thing. hehe. his younger brother was at the table, but he made him leave (i later learned that the younger brother said, who’s that? who’s that girl? and he pushed him away, hehe). yeah, so my dad suggested we go to the 2nd floor cuz it was more private. hehe. a little. wow. walking out of there kinda sucked. i avoided people’s eyes. i didnt want to see if anyone was staring at our families walking together. hehe. so. they’re waiting for an elevator and im still freaking nervous. and suddenly, sh. pops out of nowhere, amazing, isnt it? hehe, we talk for a bit, the elevator comes down, they all get in and im just like, umm, im taking the escalator. hehe. even she got on the elevator. wow. well, she didnt notice anything. thank God. alhamdullilah. yeah…well, we pick a table and sit. a circle one. him, his mom, his dad, me, my dad, him. fun fun. yep. so we kinda get to talking and it was all just, basic, general stuff. yeah. hehe. and so, it just gets really awkward and annoying and the mood just doesnt feel all that great anymore. so, the dads somehow magically disappear from the table and its just him, his mom and me. and i pull my chair in closer cuz i think shes gonna talk or say something. but. she doesnt. we almost sat in silence for about 15 minutes because she didnt say something. i was worrying and worrying about what the dads were talking about. and i see a girl i know out of the corner of my eye, p, trying to get on the service elevator. it was so dumb. and awkward. hoping she wasnt looking. a lot. wondering if his mom would say something. hoping his mom would say something. didnt happen. we just sat there. i think the only things she asked were, what are you studying? and where did you meet my son? hehe. fun. and thats it. thats all. he kinda talked a little bit. and he urged her to talk. in english, and urdu. but that was it. the conversation wasnt even going to begin. so the dads come back. finally. after what seemed like a slice of eternity. me in my nervousness, when my dad annouces that he has to go cuz he has work. and im kinda lost but then i realize im supposed to go away with him. and that was that. the end. our omg meeting. nothing. i didnt really…i dont know. it sucked. thats the only way i can describe it. it sucked.

so, i walk my dad to his car and he was talking a bit about what they talked about and he’s like, the parents are in shock that we do this and that behind his back, blah blah, and his dad was like, he’s the best one i have, etc etc. and once again i said, yeah, dad, it would be better if i was the guy and they were the girl’s family. but then of course they would shoot me. so, then he had to leave. great. leave me. everyone. in my absence of thought. of consciousness. but he had told me to go back to my room and hide out there and rest. i did.

went to the room, though i thought i wouldnt. avoiding anyone who knew me or who could have seen me. wow. i got to the room. tired. exhausted. just a bit humiliated. embarrassed. i felt like an idiot. like, who in their right mind would do that? like what? wow. alrite, so i try to go to sleep, and i do for about like 10 minutes til my roomie comes in with a friend. ah well, it was almost back to work time.

i dont exactly remember if he called during this time period. i dont remember. and if he did, it was to ask if i was ok. yeah, he did call. he was in ir.’s room making the tonite show program. he told me later that ir. told him to call me to ask if i was ok, and even if i said nothing was wrong, i was still feeling kind of funky. alhamdullilah, he has a friend like that. wow, yeah, it really is a good thing to have an older, more experienced friend. thank god.

work. tiredness. dinner time. thank god, our program was over. time to unwind. hehe, if i could. went down and got some dinner. a roll. sat with some friends. wf friends. it was good to get a break from the other ones sometimes. wow. well, so, he calls later. unexpectedly. and asks me to, hehe, man the powerpoint on the sisters side of the auditorium for the tonite show. it was wonderful. he’s like, just come on down to the theater and ill show you everything. hehe, for a split second, i was going to go get him a roll just in case he didnt eat. hehe. i didnt.

went up to the theater. hehe. alrite, so we just had to be synchronized with all this powerpoint stuff. wonderful. wouldnt be that hard, would it?? hehe. yeah. right. well, he switched me to ir’s laptop cuz i didnt really know how to efficiently use a vista and he had to come over, and so, he introduced us. hehe. it was funny. it was just like, salaam. mhmm. yep. thats it. so, in the end, we just used these remote controls and he controlled the progression of the slideshows. all i had to do was change the powerpoints. thank god. no showing of movies or pictures, alhamdullilah. the movies didnt work on our side anyway. hehe. encountered some difficulties along the way. but it turned out alrite. he came over a couple of times and sum was sitting near me and she was like, who’s that? and im like, some dude, iono. hehe, and she texted me a split second later saying, its him!! and later she said i blushed. i dont believe her. or i dont want to. hehe. that would be embarrassing

haha. well, we kept looking at each other and smiling and kinda signaling and calling and texting. fun. he told me i could get a chair, but i said i didnt need one. ah well. i half sat on an armrest and then on the stair. so, it was alrite. just a really long program. he said i corrected him like twice, but i dont really remember. so it was ok. the program seemed alrite. i only messed up once, alhamdullilah. yay. alrite, so, he told me later that he told his friend during the program. well, he didnt exactly tell, his friend guessed. i find it completely hilarious that he guessed. tho, if i knew him, i might have guessed too. ah well. h. a. asked him during the program, why do u keep on smiling. is it cuz of this? guessed correctly. and then later, why do u keep looking over at that girl over there doing that thing. and hes like, oh wait, is that her? haha, and he said yeah. hehehe. funny. and then he told his friend, you know, you cant come over to our house. and he was like, wat? hehe, cuz he’s number 1 on the most handsome man list. it was funny. but he’s kidding. hopefully alhamdullilah. ah, finally, the show was over. a long long show. it was ok. i wouldve wanted more comedy, but i wasnt really paying attention to it much. ah well. clean up time. everyone was leaving. there was supposed to be our sr’s volunteer party but i didnt end up going. there was this one sister who need to ask the shaykh something. oh. yeah. crap. kids kept walking up to the stage and stuff, and it got really annoying, and this last one i grabbed, she got confused. i talked and apologized to her mom. and then with one of the girls who wanted to pass a note. gehh…shouldnt have allowed that first one to go. grr. ah well. so, the mother of that kid had to ask the question. so, she ended up living in the town i go to school in, but i never got to get her number. stayed with her to get her question answered. and ended up doing some audio work with my daughter. gehhh. fun.  it wasnt that great. and most of the time, i was on the phone.

she did most of the work, and i kinda felt bad, but today had been an important day and i, stupidly, proceeded in talking to her. things hadnt been going well with us since the day started, but it was alrite. hopefully. tho i didnt get to sleep that nite till about 3.30. gehh. we got food from katz’s tho. for free. yay. yeah. i think that was the night the guys borrowed my laptop. i hate those stupid kids. geehh. so immature. wonderful. anyways. i think thats the end of it. but, he and all his friends were convinced my betii knew, she didnt. and id like to keep it that way for a bit longer. gehh.

oh, that night, we also discovered, that after a certain time, the door to the conven ctr rejects you. its pretty sad. u walk up to that automatic door. look at the light turn from green to red. rejection. it was sad. we got one of the guys to come open it on the other side. it was a bit beysharam. i wanted to leave, we did, eventually. sleep. gahhh. wow. the end of a long and weird day.

day 4 (sat. dec. 27): work. kids. hated lil brats. punished one. regret. slept. sad. audio work. annoying boys who annoy my daughter. and stupid teeny boppers. no you, just my thoughts to keep me company. the wedding. and back to the end of the conven.

the last day of the convention. all i remember is work. punishing a child. her kinda hating me for a bit. ah, but i had a break that morning so i kinda slept it. but it wasnt real. gehh. not enough. my sleep schedule got so screwed. it was bad. grrr. ah well, anyway. got to the youth room. grr. to my almost surprise, there werent that many ppl working. it sucked. once, actually a couple of times, i ended up being in the room alone. with all the the freaking kids! it was so retarded, i wanted to leave so bad. but i didnt. geh. should have. i kept on being angry that day. wow. but yeah, it was the award ceremony. they had a lot of trouble giving out the prizes cuz there werent team members originally there, blah blah blah. gehhh. and then there was a lil fist fight type thing. ugh. i hated it. thank god it ended. so sat around for a bit. almost went to a lecture. had to go to a wedding. and i did. up in north side. fun fun fun. came and went. met up, got some extra clothes from sis. whoohoo. hehe, the sh. gave us a hug cuz it was his daughter’s wedding. fun. i hugged his wife, and she was like, i heard good news about you. it was funny. i was wearing shalwar qameez and it wasnt even the least bit formal enough. ah well. hehe. it was alrite. sat with some friends. man, arab wedding, all of those aunties are all like, youre next, ameen type thing. it was hilarious. and even these malaysian ladies i dont know, or i dont think i know, one of the aunties was like, when is your turn? haha, not my sister, she asked me. and im like, ah, i dont know, hehe. nervous laugh. whoo. haha. wow, i had to leave in a hurry. it was hilarious. sum and sh were there. we got in line. i ate in like 5 min and tried to sneak away. it was great. wow. kinda sad. but, ah, had to go. i made it back to the convention before the last lecture ended. yay.

so, we had to stay and clean up and we were all gonna hang out. one of the ppl from dallas came. she was rooming with us. yay. ah. fun. so, we had our last volunteer meeting. it was alrite. basically, the day seemed empty cuz i hadnt seen him and we werent allowed to talk. gehh. but anyways. we ran around for a bit and then kinda helped clean up babysitting. then we wanted to order food from the restaurant and got some cheesecake. but this time we had to pay. sucked. ah well. got it. learned that the lil brat was annoying my child and that was why she was so angry and i told her to be mean to him. she kinda almost tried. iono gehh…kids. fun. so, went to sleep late without buying the daquiries or watever we were gonna drink. dint feel like it. went back to the room. went to sleep eventually. fun fun. it was finally over. but there was still more work to do. whoo.

day 5 (sun. dec. 28): luncheon. cleaning up the crap at the booth. getting lost 7 billion times. regret. bad. cursing. horrible driving and anger. waiting to see you, but you didnt show. you have good friends. and tho we’re not talking, i know you care because of them. thank you. theres nothing else i can say. oh. baby’s back. yay. in the car with dad, talking bout you. sincere, honest, good. yay alhamdullilah. dad is the most understanding parent ive ever met and i thank God for that.

woke up a lil on time to get up for the luncheon. hehe, we got ready, wanted to buy drinks but the bar dint open till 11. and we had to leave. but my daughter woke up late. grr. hehe, and she left all the booth stuff at the booth. and the bazaar was locked up and closed. i got a chai from starbucks. thank god. and headed back over to the convention ctr. locked. took a couple of elevators and walked around. got in. all the crap was there! like 4 boxes and a giant wooden board game thing that would never fit in my car! called everyone. we all packed up to go and brought our cars around. luckily met a head and got a parking pass for free. we’re so bootleg. we reused it. ten billion times. i think. wow. it was great. so, we got out. loaded up all the booth stuff. and the girl from dallas had an suv so we put some stuff in her car. so, me n my roomie, and her and my betii. wonderful.

i supposedly got directions to the place. but they ended up being wrong. we were already late. i was already pissed and it was just about to get so much worse. so, in a nutshell, we basically got lost about 6 times. drove around 70 extra miles or so. i dont even know. got there late, i cursed like no other, and it just brought all my cussing back. dangit. grr. ah well, i tried to stop caring. it almost worked. we finally got there about an hr and a half late. i thought he was coming. he didnt. i remember he had sunday school (but he was at work). but he didnt show. that made me sad. ah well. i was still kinda mad. tho it was getting better. i wanted to pay for n’s gas. she ended up takin it, alhamdullilah. ate lunch. almost. u know, my undercooked chicken. ah well. k. played a game, that almost got me into a better mood, thank god. then we were done. told sur id tell her something. thank god she was there, man, i wouldve gehhhh, i dont even know. i basically vented to her everything and that made me better. alrite. so, got all the crap outta my car. tho the boys were being stupid. said by to my roomie. made the guys help. got pissed at them kinda. said bye to my daughter. finally got home. ah, finally.

yesss!! alhamdullilah, haha, i missed home. it was just too stressful. fell asleep on the couch for a while and then we got up to go pick up stepmom and baby from the airport. me and dad had a good talk along the way. i knew he was understanding, but not that understanding. until that convo. he told me that he seemed like an honest, sincere guy. which made me happy. and yeah. and he talked about the generation gap and the culture gap and the age gap, and im like, wow, dad, ur so frickin awesome. best dad ever, alhamdullilah. it feels like i can just talk to him about anything and he would understand it. thank god. so, we got them and came home. yay. i missed the baby. he got bigger! and cuter, masha’Allah! yayy.

this is the longest post ever. wow. well, it wasnt just one day. so, ah. watever. so, in this week, ive told no. sur, and my sis. yay. its been fun. a new year. iA, itll be a good year.

ya Allah, clear our hearts and minds, and once again, show us the right way. let there be many sources of blessings in our lives, ya Allah. ameen

Stuck in the Middle (Pt. III)

day 2 (thurs. dec. 25): dad came to the convention. my heart. pain. confessions told to a teacher. tears. and pushing the slowmo button. but its still in motion. calling you and calling me.

So, thursday morning. it was hell waking up. had 4 hours of sleep again and my roommmate had set her alarm to go off a billion times and it all started at 5:15. dangit. yeah. i thought it was the alarm clock but it turned out to be her cell phone. yeah. so all the while i thought the clock was going off and trying to fix it, when it was her phone. im sure it looked uber retarded. wow. so, i ended up being awake though our shifts started at around 11. sad. ironic. it just sucked. basically, im like, wow, another day of torture and sadness. another painful day for my heart to endure. wonderful.

i dont exactly remember all of that day. i only remember work beginning. it had started. about 72 lil girls filed into the room. diff colors, diff ages. diff attitudes. a couple of bad ones, but they werent the majority alhamdullilah. ah, one important thing i forgot to mention in the night before was that i was asked to make the labels for the cds at the convention, so on my laptop the night before, i was trying to design some labels. that next day, when work actually started, i was notified that i was formally asked to join the audio team and quit the youth program, which i would have gladly done. they even said the would talk to the head coord, but i said no, they only had a few ppl and finding a replacement would be hell. i went to the audio room in my spare time. in the morning i went, before 11, i think around 7 i went and made some labels. it was pretty cool, seeing as how last year, they wouldnt even let ppl in. or maybe just girls. but i went. sometimes k came in too, and that was pretty cool. so, i ran between there and the youth room most of the day.

dhuhr time came and we let out the girls and i went down and dad was there. alhamdullilah. i had a talk with him and it was all cool and stuff. i didnt even know he was coming to the convention because, when i told him wednesday morning that i thought everything was over, that his mom told us to just wait, i and i thought he was seriously and totally convinced that i would never talk to him again, he just said, whats the point in going to the convention. cuz he was gonna meet the other parents, and after i told him that, there seemed like there was no point, and i really thought there wasnt. i mean, he hadnt called my dad, he didnt meet up with him. heck, he could barely talk to his own parents sometimes.

so, while eating lunch with my dad, talking about random things and stuff, i got him a drink and we were talking a bit. and he says, are you sad? i say no, as im nodding my head yes. and i say no again as im nodding yes, and so, he’s just like, its ok, you can be sad, this is a part of life, and im all like, yeah, basically you know, almost doing this but not doing it is a part of life. mhmm. right. hehe. so yeah, dad had to go soon, and so we took a few strolls around the bazaar and we stopped or looked over at the booth. im like, lets go visit the booth, and dad’s like, is anyone gonna be there, and im like, i dont know. who knows. maybe not. i dont know. so we walk by, nobody important is there, so, nah. then dad leaves cuz he has to go back away and so he’s gone.

alrite, so i get back to the youth program and everythings going fine, though it is completely disorganized. it seemed like there needed to be so much more discipline or that we needed more volunteers. i mean, some girls werent on the shift and some just left, even i knew that, but there were only some of us there, and in total only 6!! i mean, hello!! 72 girls. less than 6 volunteers. thats so not cool man. wow. hmm.

[edit] put a part in the wrong section. moved to part IV

wow. so, i guess i was in shock. one of my weirdest moods. extremes. extremes of unpreparedness, stupidity and everything else. i forgot to go to the audio room. but i had to go back to the youth room and finish up there. finished. went to audio. and stayed for a bit. did some work to keep my mind going but it was slowly becoming exhausted. tired of everything.

prayer time. i went downstairs for prayer. dinner. i dont know. went to the cy booth. k was working and i felt bad for leaving her alone cuz she had worked for a while. she wanted me to work but i refused and asked if no one else would work and she was trying to find someone, but we did stay for a bit and i guess i helped but not really. so, all the while, time is passing by. im still trying to avoid him. my dad left at maghrib, after his lectures, and so, it was after maghrib. at the booth. and he comes. i left k for a bit and as i come back, i see him. he’s gonna take over. and i see him. and i cant. i couldnt. i couldnt stay. i couldnt see him. i couldnt stand to look at him. i couldnt bear to see him there. i couldnt take it. i whisper her name, tell k to come one. i whisper that im leaving. i couldnt stay. i couldnt! there was too much. it was too much. too many emotions. my feelings, uncertain, i was unprepared to see his face. to see what i thought i couldnt have. ever. i couldnt look and i did. and as i turned away, again, my heart trembled. it shook. my stomach ached. my heart, it felt like a tremor had run through it. something, someone i could never have. my heart hurt. i couldnt look. i left.

i didnt have anywhere to go. no one to talk to. nobody to run to and hug. i couldnt even cry because it was too public. i went outside. i took a walk. it was a bit cold, but not really, not too much. i could take it. i wanted my heart to be cold, i wanted to stop caring. i couldnt. u cant just ask a person to stop loving them. i mean, it was like going cold turkey. like, we talked everyday for over 2 hrs each day and now we cant anymore. there will just be one last conversation. the end. close the book. end of story. so i walked, i walked and tried not to think. i walked, and i walked through the trees, under the lights. around the lake. near the ice rink where the music played, and since it was christmas, everyone was happy, or looked or seemed happy. except me. there was nothing to look forward to. nothing to look back on but my happiness and immediate sadness. pain. hurt. it hurt. my heart was hurting. while everyone out there seemed to be utterly happy, here i was, a menance, someone that could stop someone’s happy life all because i wanted to become a part of it. there was no way. i didnt want to be a burden. i didnt want to wreck your relationship with your parents. i didnt ever want to you to know that i had cried on tuesday night and i teared up here and there because of you. i wanted you to be happy, but i didnt, somehow. i knew you would feel like crap if you ever knew, but,  you know what, i just felt like shi* and i couldnt help it and it was your fault because i thought i had lost you. forever.

so all that time i spent outside, i just thought. i stood, sat, thought. i was thinking and thinking and trying to get over my feelings. my emotions which didnt make sense, i tried to make sense of them. i wanted to just let things go. i wanted to be invisible for a while. i knew i still loved you. i wanted to be near you. i wanted you to somehow know i was there. but i couldnt, because i thought or i thought i knew that you couldnt go on with this. but i had to be near you. so, i went back inside, to the booth because i knew you were working. you were up at the fron with your friends, talking or fighting or playing or whatever. and so, i sat down, next to the curtain, just to be near you, but you would never know. until i told you. but you wouldnt know, because i just sat there. listening, waiting, sitting, living in that moment of nearness to you. close. far, but close enough for me to know again, how much you meant to me, and how much it took to stop feeling that way. i couldnt cry, not here, not now, there were too many people, and i just wanted a shoulder to cry on. but i had no one.

time went on. i think i went to a lecture and i saw her. i saw ms. n and then i knew i would tell her. at the end of the program, i walked her back to her room and told her i had something important to tell her. and while looking for somewhere to sit, we had run into you. you and your friends. once, twice, even 3 times. it pained me. i couldnt look. and you even had the guts to say salaam and i wanted to kill you because my heart yearned for you so badly that i was afraid if you spoke and i spoke back, my voice would betray me. my eyes. my heart. they would all just betray me, by following you, by shedding tears for you because i just couldnt help it. and then we just sat in the hallway and some of the story came pouring out, and i told her, that we had gotten ourselves so deep into it and you told us to stop, and i told her that i couldnt. that i had fallen so deep that when i saw you, i couldnt look at you and that when i finally saw you that last time. i couldnt take it. my heart was crumbling, because we had built it up into such a great wall, that when you told me, my foundations were struck, and when i saw you, it had come crumbling down. and i cried. i cried for a lil while. and i tried to hide behind her, but your friends came by and i coulndt help it. and i put my head down and i tried to hide, but they had already seen and then there were gone. you called and texted me during that time, but i had to talk to her. i needed advice because i had no one. there was no mother to guide me, no older person to ask for advice. nobody. i felt alone. maybe even a bit abandoned. lonely. lost. i needed help. advice, and she gave it to me. she told me to be hard to get, that you would cherish me. that if you really loved me, you would wait patiently and i would become more precious to you. i dont think im strong enough to push you away, because im afraid if i push you away, you wont come back, and i really really wouldnt be able to go on like that. i couldnt. so, the conversation turned into more of a happy one. ms. n. told me that mom had said that she could see me falling in love, maybe even getting married right out of high school, she could see it. and i never knew, but she said, mothers knew their children well, and its so true. haha, its so true, and im so sorry she isnt able to be here to see it. that i am in love, that i want this guy to be a part of my life, of our family, i want to be with him. and sometimes, the feeling is so engulfing, so strong and i cant handle it and i just need some help. and that night, alhamdullilah, i got it. haha, ms. n. is so funny, she was all just like, wow, his parents are being stupid and she would go talk to them or she would go up to him and tell him not to make me cry. haha, she said she would throw her shoes at him. wow, subhanallah, i really am blessed with the most wonderful companions. alhamdullilah. his friends came back around again and one of them, d. asked if everything was ok, and it was after that, alhamdullilah.

so, as we ended our conversation and she told me to go to sleep, i found out that i was you who called and everything. and after she said to play hard to get, i basically just ended up running back to you. each day i find out more and more of what happened on your end that day. that after r. saw me crying, he called you, where you were, in the lobby. raced down there. took you out and basically throttled you saying, what the hell did you do? what did you say to her, she was crying?! and you said you didnt know and he kept asking and you went into a panic. and he had never seen you in a panic and so, he understood that you really didnt know why or why it had happened. but then i called you back. and we didnt talk about that. we talked a little bit about it and how dumb you were saying salaam and how we had avoided each other. and you kind of hinted that you knew that i was crying and i said i wouldnt tell you. and i wont. not until anything happens. ever. i want to promise myself that, though now, i kinda gave it away. but not the whole thing. you wont know why. every. until later. iA. you said you would call my dad. after some amount of persuasion. and get our parents to meet after jumah the next day, and  insha’Allah. it would be ok. they would meet and talk and it could work out. and i was happy again. that roller coaster of emotions. the proposal, the plans, the talking to our parents. happy, happy moments. up till the tuesday night where i thought it was completely over. to the unbearable pain in my heart. the pain that hurt me so much emotionally that it brough physical tears to my eyes. to the comfort and advice. and then finally to some sort of progress. determination. it was all so much. wow, subhanallah. im still wondering how i havent had a panic attack yet. but our parents were to meet the next day. one of the most awkward days of my life.

ya Allah, forgive us our follies and human flaws. guide us to the right direction and give us taqwa, always. bless our friends and confidantes and give them the best in this life and the hereafter: jennatul firdaus, insha’Allah. have mercy on us and forgive us ya Allah, ameen.

Stuck in the Middle (Pt. II)

day 1 (wed. dec. 24): convention in the morn. nothingness. sad. 4 hrs of sleep. barely holding on to sanity. fear of seeing him. avoiding him at all costs and trying to swamp myself with work.

alrite, lets do this! day 1 of the convention was pure torture. for me at least. i slept for 4 hours that night, after that completely painful conversation and so, i just wanted to get everything off of my mind. i wanted work, i wanted anything that would take my mind off the situation, or the nonexistence of a situation, or anything that wouldnt let me think of him. so, some volunteers were asked to get to the convention center early so we could set up and i left the house at around 9:15 cuz i thought it would take a long time to get downtown. and i even went to walgreens first to pick up some stuff, and so, i just did that and i still got there at 9:45. parked at the hotel in the garage and waited. waited. for a long time. there was nobody there basically, cept for some workers and some sparse number of volunteers. after wandering around for a while trying not to think, i finally found a couple of ppl to hang out with. sitting there, waiting for the head coord to arrive. he didnt. not for another like hour and a half. so the whole time, i was zoning in and out of consciousness, my fake smile, occasionally my true frown would just pop up and i would look displeased. i was walking through clouds, feeling my way through. i was in the twilight zone. or at least it felt like it. it felt like i wasnt really there.

so i wandered around a bit more until finally i came across some work, thank god. first, the girls were assigned to put down the prayer mats and we had some difficulty starting out, but then we got the hang of it. i was annoyed and angry and sad, so i told them to keep the scissors away from me ( because i couldnt cut in a straight line, of course) and so, we managed to put down the mats and cut them up. we didnt tape them down though, because we didnt have tape. there was a guy in charge of us and he wanted the scissors. he looked pretty islamic and when he asked for them, i jokingly said to throw him the scissors, and either he heard or it was normal to him, but he asked to thow the scissors over. i was thoroughly surprised for all of 10 minutes until i got over it. i think i provoked him later on when he came to give them back and i reached out my hand. hehe, he gave them to me.

after that work was done, i searched for more work because i didnt want to randomly bump into him again. yes. again. we went to go ask for some tape when, lo and behold he, the man who had completely devasted me the night before, was standing there, talking to his friends, going to help out with the prayer mats and such. i had already decided to go with k, the girl who asked to go get them, but i turned the corner and saw him, and came back. then my daughter said she would go, but because hk was there, im like, never mind, ill go. but all three of us ended up going. i think i glanced up for a second and he saw me and i turned away. in shame? sorrow? i dont know. i just couldnt look at him. or stand to look at him. though i know i just wanted to stare and talk to him and ask if it was really true.

and so, i ran from that place looking for more work, which i found, at registration, alhamdullilah. they needed help packing up the bags and going around doing stuff like that so we immediately got to work, and there was so much work to be done. packing schedules, filling bags, packing boxes and moving them. wonderful wonderful work. and i got up to take a break after a long while of happy papercuts, and so, i went to the restroom fearing what i thought was coming (.), and i did get it, but when i came back, i saw him. dangit. he was standing right there. like, i turned the corner and there he was standing with his friends. laughing? or talking? i dont know. but i guess he saw me too. i basically ducked behind a table. and when i got up, he was gone.

my day was filled with hiding and avoiding and basically just wishing, praying that i wouldnt see him because i knew my heart would betray. my eyes already were, searching for him, and if they found him, i would walk in the opposite direction, or he would and i wouldnt have to. but i didnt have to worry too much because i knew he was going to work. hehe, like, he wore a blue shirt that day, and if i saw a guy in a blue shirt, id scan his face in a hurry and turn away. wow. that was a horrible day. my coord finally came in, and she was awesome. we went to the opening lecture. and hung out with everyone and finally got our room keys. got my and k’s stuff outta my car and went up to the room after trading and rearranging rooms with lots of ppl. me n k wanted to room together anyway, and that night, we didnt have roommates.

so, our coord asked us to have a meeting in her room and we went, i got my shifts, had some chocolate, and left, looking like i was in the worst mood ever. i, just put my stuff in the room, got my laptop and went downstairs to check my email and everything. we had decided not to contact each other in anyway. i guess i really wanted to reach out to you, ask you if it was really true, what i had heard the night before, and i was just basically, i think i was still completely devastated feeling. it was strange. really. i felt like i was just withering away. i wanted to work, but i didnt. i wanted to talk to you, to ask you, but i knew i couldnt. and i knew you were there, somewhere. i dont know. i just wanted to, to do something and i didnt know what it was. i was fatigued, my head was filled, i was stressed, i wanted to sleep, but i didnt. i wanted to eat that day, but i didnt. and i basically just felt like chit.

i finally decided to go back upstairs to the room and go take a shower and sleep, so i try my key and dangit, it doesnt work. the light thing turns red and it doesnt work. and i knock for a while but the tv’s on really loud and i guess my roommate is sleeping. for a split second i thought it was our other roommate and she was locking us out. but i made a couple of calls and it seemed like my roommate was in there, and sleeping at that. with the tv really loud. so i think somethings wrong with the key and i go get another one. it doesnt work. go back down and he gives me 2, and those two dont work either. so, i see my daughter, ask her to knock really hard on the door, and just i was getting in the elevator for a third key, she opens it. the girl was sleeping and she locked the door, but thankfully she woke up. went back to sleep and i got in, took a shower and slept. or actually tried to sleep. i never thought that such a thought would ever come to me, but me, alone in that big bed. i looked over and reached out and realized i was lonely. alone. haha, wow, i actually wished you were there beside me. the end.

 whoo. next day.

Song of Timeless Beginnings

i dont know where to start, but theres so much to say. he says the things i want to hear, but i dont. my conflicting emotions are paining me. and i know theyre paining you too. we think we’re right, we know we’re wrong. we know we know we’re not right. its all just an oxymoron. its like we know, but we dont want to ruin the moment. i guess. its wrong, it doesnt feel right, but i guess we’re just holding on so tightly to this dream because we want it to come true so badly. insha’Allah, itll be for the best and we just really really want it to happen. and we’re just gripping to it because we dont want to lose the moments that we have together because if it doesnt work out, and insha’Allah it will, itll just be awkward. will we still be able to talk like we do? would we feel the same? what would change?

it just feels like so much is at stake, and truly, there is a lot at stake. this will change our lives, forever. if we do go through with this, with parental permission and all that, alhamdullilah, praise be to God, subhanallah! nothing could please us more, as far as we know. but, i dunno, is there a lot to lose?  there is, but i dunno, because truly, emotions might cloud the judgement, and they are. im staying as clear headed as possible, but as time passes, and we keep doing this to each other, i dunno how long ill be able to think straight. i dont even know wat ill do if dad says no or something.

there is an impossible boundary we dont cross, at least not now. we say mushy things, we say the weirdest things, we unveil our hearts to each other. we are erring, i know, i dunno, but can u stop the heart from doing this? we never ever pass it. he’ll say things like, “ive liked you” or “i like this about you,” but we’ll never say “i like you or i love you.” that is the impasse. the blockade that stops things from moving further. its like, we know its there, but its never said aloud. that is the point of no return, so we dont ever cross it until things are set in stone. subhanallah, will it even work? am i doubting? do i want to admit it? is there going to be the attraction that maybe we only feel through calling or iming or texting? i know he feels that way about me, but will it work for my feelings about him? i have feelings for him, i know it, but is it enough? will it match his feelings for me? do they have to match his feelings for me? at the same speed? the same intensity? how will i know for sure?

are we rushing? should we take more time? if we take more time, will this turn worse? will we continue delving into this warped haram? dont we need to stop it? this is why i thought i would just go ahead and tell dad, i thought that if i did it as soon as possible, it would be ok. there would be no time to doubt, but we cant. he told me to wait, to hold on, he needs more time. so do i, but i dont want anything to happen within these precious moments that seem to be slipping away, second by second. insha’Allah, everything will turn out for the best. we’re just waiting, anxiously, nervously, and praying. ya Allah, clear our hearts and minds, show us whats best for us. purify our intentions and give us hopes, and let us achieve our dreams. ameen

the troubles

hmm. yes, this would be the precise reason that i have such a blog. to let it go, out. all. organize. think over. breathe. stop. help. learn. control. breathe. listen. grow.

as much as he does, i do. he is still troubled. all that talk was just the tip of the iceberg. or maybe just a lil more. but still. so much on his mind. he. i dont even know wat to say. theres nothing. i know nothing! i cant help. its useless. im tongue tied. words evaded. only lil ayahs or snippets of some old person remained. i couldnt. i dunno. this is why we have these things. to tell. to pour out anger and sorrow and happiness. but still, i do pity him. its sad. his situation from the way i see it. i dont know. im useless in this situation. go, to one of your others. theres too much i dont know. im sorry. i cant do anything but listen. thats the only thing im good for now cuz theres nothing else know to do or say. i cant say, run away, come here. would he see it as cowardly? unreal? stupid? i dunno. i feel like i wanna learn how his mind works, but why? am i giving myself false hopes? once i actually told myself i was gonna tell him to stop tellin me bout marriage and love and his dilemmas, because, i am, after all, a girl with dreams of falling in love. i just dont want to take it. cuz if and when it is another, i would be broken, or at the very least depressed by it. im just fueling myself with a cold fire. its not warm to my hands and heart cuz its not mine. haha, in my head, i said not yet mine. but see, thats how this works. stupid. i do it to myself. but i dunno. theres nothing i can do. im sorry. once again, i am. but please, dont make it too hard on yourself. i wrote love instead of life. how amazingly stupid. it was subconscious. i dont even know. i dint know till i read that part over! thats how bad it was. couldnt believe it. but there was things i dint know. s-side isnt how i see it. it normal. diffs, rifts. sadness. families. all. its all the same. im sorry.

Oh Allah, forgive us and guide us and ease our hearts. clear our hearts and minds and souls. renew our intentions for the best. and guide us with your all-knowing wisdom. love us, have mercy on us, guide us, oh Allah, ameen.

Wishes & Dreams 9/23/08

this isnt that old, but i just remembered it existed. wishes and dreams

my wishes:

-to sing a note so high, so nicely, i could blow someone’s speakers and they would have to turn it down.
-to invent artificial gravity and anti-gravity
-to produce my own album
-to have a digitalis concert
-to learn a language
-to fall in love
-to take singing lessons
-to sing in a chorus
-to be a disney princess’s singing voice
-to be a voice actress/singer behind the scenes
-to perform for the ones i love
-to paint a masterpiece
-to paint the golden skies
-to write another sonnet and sestina!
-to create a nice hemp bracelet!
-to continue learning throughout my life
-to reduce pollution
-to cure cancer
-to see a glowing bunny!
-to go to malaysia again!
-to experience a romantic rendezvous in one of my favorite places
-to finally know which stars im looking at
-to experience a scene from “a walk to remember”
-to attempt to artificially create a mini planet in a highly pressurized area in some lab

11-23-08

-to write a book

-to drive into a sunset

-to have my own lab and telescope and own private space to search the heavens

-to have a deeper understanding of the Qur’an

-to learn more arabic, just to understand the quran

-to co-write a song with…a famous singer….maybe sarah bareilles?

-to finally just…i dont know, let it all go.

1-3-08

- to marry him.

-to make him happy.

-to stroke his face

hehee. highly subject to change and ill probably keep adding more iA. yay. and when i actually do some of these things, ill prolly make another list of accomplishments. yay. makes me a bit hopeful. alhamdullilah