yep, ive been staying up late for absolutely no good reason. i watch tv, talk with my sister, read, surf the net, do absolutely nothing except waste time, oh, and make a flier here and there. ive been up to nothing. basically. ive answered questions, listened to lectures, heard your voice, and waited and waited to hear it again. ive taken and planned, checked and balanced, timed and gone. eaten and fasted, slept and awakened, shifted and lasted, restless in my consciousness. it seems that theres nowhere to turn, no duty to fill, no friend to confide in, no seriousness, no complete, deadly seriousness. ive seen the news, it hit me hard, all there is is blood and gore and people crying and children dying and here i am, unable to help, maybe even unwilling in my sloth. it seems as though ive died temporarily. my life, strung out on a line, seems a bit empty with all the excitement. with no more simple pleasures. going to school, studying, and all that. really, it really does seem a bit emptier. and day by day, with not much to look forward to, i, too, slowly wither away. my substance and being, once a full glass, now dribbles down to half empty, ever pouring the substance within. sometimes im rejuvenated, sometimes im pumped, sometimes i have the energy to go on, to eat, to shop, to exercise, and sometimes, i just have nothing. it seems like theres nothing there.
but i can still write. i think ive fallen out of the habit, and i dont want to. i want to write, at least, to keep myself in check, to keep a little part of me alive and breathing, warm, beating. i want there to be something left, even though there might not be much, i still want to keep this little imprint of myself somewhere, out there, just in case im physically gone, therell still be traces and truths. well, a couple of days ago, i think it was monday, i finished up the lecture, spicy questions, bold answers. it was a good lecture. everything made sense, everything seemed applicable, but still, as i was listening and taking notes for my own situations, i did notice that there was something drastically different about my own sit. it seems like its the complete opposite of the typical ‘desi?’ norm. but i dont know that for sure. i mean, im sure this has happened to other people, i just dont know any. well, haha, that lecture inspired me to write a letter (which i never did) to the sh. to ask him a couple of guidelines and to ask for some advice. i mean, seriously, we would need it. im just wondering if he would laugh. haha, i would. hearing this kind of situation, i think i would.
i really do want to ask a shaykh questions though. i was thinking, my normal shaykh, eh, maybe not. maybe someone younger. someone of a different culture. then theres the n. mosque shaykh, but hes not married! plus, he and the sh. are good friends. and finally, i do want to ask this sh. but he lives somewhere far away and it seems like theres no contact email or anything. i dont know where to start. oh wait, maybe i do. i can ask ms. n or even him. wow. k. better. yep.
alrite, im officially tired. busy week. sh’s house tmrw, ice skating thurs, fam nite fri, sat? karaoke sun, fufu mon. hehe. i really am booked. ah well, ill try to have saturday to myself.
oh, finished reading a manga called alice 19th. pretty good. though you could tell it was yuu watase, cuz someone close to the main character always turns evil. oh, and the guys. theyre to pretty for their own good. lol.
ah, i fasted today, and iA, i will tomorrow for ashoora. insha’Allah, these fasts will be accepted.
[i had more to say, but i cant remember what it was. ah well. tmrw iA]
oh yeah. went shopping today with sis. it was fun. yayy. bought lots of pretty clothes, alhamdullilah. during the past week, ive watched lots of movies, in theaters and out. slumdog millionaire, benjamin button, marley & me, eagle eye, my sassy girl (american remake), and hehe, the house bunny. funny. ok. sleeping. now.
