I feel…

for some reason, ive been treated or i feel like ive been treated like a child. first off with that incident at my dad’s house where im made out to be disrespectful child who has no manners. who the fuck gave you the right to say that about me or my upbringing? and if you wanted to correct someone, you do it in private, not while freaking holding a baby, yelling and saying that in front of a visitor. i have no manners? well guess what? maybe you did have some negative impact on me.

2nd thing: communication problems.
i really dont feel like that im communicating enough with Hubby. i feel like im not telling him or that we are not sharing important information. i think we should talk more about everything we do. i dont know if that’s too much to ask, but yeah, everything. maybe i feel like im not being treated like a wife should. maybe he should be here for me when he’s not working in houston. maybe he should be put at the top of the list instead of all the other things that he’s doing. yeah, he has his other work to do, but, i dont know if i feel like im not important enough or something.

i know im acting like an island. im not calling people or talking to them. when i KNOW i should have. called my aunts, auntie farzana, even Ammi. i havent called anyone. why? whtat the hell is wrong with me?

i have so many things that are left undone. now i dont even know when i can graduate. or if i can teach next semester. should i go to grad school? should i go to a different kind of school? art school? any school? should i just work? should i teach? should i not teach? should i just keep doing design? i dont think ill ever stop. i dont want to. i do want to get back to houston. i feel like im losing it. i have no connections here. and and with hubby not even here, im truly alone. should i get used to living alone? no, why should i?

arent we supposed to be a family? can just a husband and wife be a family? what if he’s not here all the time? and then i just go back into circles. this circular arguement with myself doesnt seem to be ending anytime soon. i feel like i have so much to do, but im not doing it.

right now, im supposed to be studying for 2 tests. TWO TESTS. im gonna freaking fail. i guess i was supposed to be in a study group with some people but they never got back to me. and she may have called me, but i didnt get that call, and i dont have her number. too late anyway. test is tomorrow. me being so effing lazy led to not really studying. like im doing now. im not gonna fail this test. not this ast one. i dont want to fail the other one either. oh, that reminds me, this edc class isnt going anywhere. test tomorrow and lesson next week. this whole working in a group thing doesnt seem to work with us. we have no task division. i dont even think anybody is doing handouts. should i ask people to do them? should i not? we dont have a leader. i should just talk to the mentor teacher.

this is frustrating.

i cant even call hubby to complain. why? because i just dont want to seem like im doing that all the time. i dont want him to just be an outlet for my horrible emotions. i just got off the phone with him and tears were coming out of my eyes as we said salam because i couldnt even tell him what happened when i went home last time. because that was a whole bunch bullshit anyways.

i dont even know what to do anymore. am i not supposed to go there? jeez, its my freakin house, she has no right to say anything to me. i feel bad for Omar, he’s the only light in that place. i feel like crap for my dad. im sorry he has to put up with her shit.

May Allah make it easy on us.

back at the house

15…16. grad party today. took me back home. went to eat yummy 59 diner. food babiiiez. lol, totally. and then, we just rolled around the house. fun stuff, dude

friday

the 13th. 14 and going. nappy time i love you! <3

.

sometimes this happens. i get home and i receive the shittiest “welcome” and that just makes me feel like crap for the rest of the day. thanks.

i mean i was having a pretty damn good day. saw friends and the place i grew jeez. and then i get home and its like, a thorn in my side that i never wanted, that coulda gotten rid of a while ago. but thats it. this sucks. and now, everything else sucks. thanks for being so shitty.

hehe

7 to 11. gahh. so much time has passed and not enough.

12.

Masking the Cosmos

Masking the Cosmos & A Dream

Is it all a facade?
charading behind a mask?
a woman? a child?
crying out for mother
but with no reply. never
never again will this cry be answered
so, child-woman, who speaks?
& to whom?
for you have known truth to be reality and the stuff of dreams can never be grasped
but shall you continue to dream
of all the thimble-tops and bottlecap fairy tale worlds?
Why must you continue to dream?

“A dream is just fine,” she says
clutching the reality that cloaks her,
but a fine veil of sheer curiosity peeps through the eyes of her soul
“To dream is to be human, for we were once the stuff of dreams”
but then, she is whispered away by the frail wind
her words trailing behind her, “a dream, a dream…”

ugh

all i can think about is all the shitty stuff. hatha bad.

5

the magical number. 5 times. yeppers. hehe.

Marriage Milestones

Alhamdullilah He and I had our Nikaah on 1.1.11, and I must say, Alhamdullilah It’s been amazing so far. I just felt the need to write down a couple of things since then, since we’re all newly wed and stuff.

We prayed our first prayer together (in Jama’ah) on Sunday, the 2nd of January, and it was Maghrib prayer. MashaAllah, he has AMAZING Qira’a <3. I LOVE YOU!

Then, on Monday, we went to the Main office to get our Nikaah on file with the local Islamic organization. Then he took the papers to the county people  by himself, later. We took some cute pics <3 hehe, alhamdullilah.

Right now, though, his Grandma is sick, so, make Du’a!

Decemeber

i clink, clink in hope
but these arent magic shoes
and they wont take me far away
a place that i wont for long
to see me through to another day
where my family’s in wait
for my arrival, to see their faces
but, for what i long
cannot be
so let the truth come out peacefully

and for all i sat in the middle
of gifts and boxes of gold
there was a trace of sorrow in my eyes
a sadness that i would never show

for who could i text about my troubles?
when im left lingering on the line
waiting for her breath of words
but to see or hear nothing
that’s it
and there was no more